Let's Try This Again...

I had a very real moment with myself today and just wanted to briefly share…

So, since moving back a couple of months ago I can truly say that I have actively pursued my relationship with God more than I ever have in my life, which desperately needed to happen if I'm honest.
That being said, it has been a daily process of growth, getting rid of crap in my life and then some more growth...gotta love it, right? Not always, but hey it's worth it and I am slowly but surely finding that out.

I was sitting in a coffee shop after having sent mom a very long text whining about my finances and how ticked off I am that I can't seem to get over what feels like this never ending rut..and I just all around was having a mini pity party for myself. It wasn’t very productive, I’ll say that.
At any rate I was listening to Lauren Daigle’s song “ Trust in You” (which I seem to listen to far too often lately) and throughout the whole song it talks about numerous ways of trusting in God, even when it feels like it’s just not worth it and is getting you nowhere.

It was in that moment that it hit me like a ton of bricks, “see…you don’t REALLY trust Him.” Of course I tried to convince myself otherwise for a few moments and we all now how productive it is when you try and argue with God.. Then, it dawned on me…I really haven’t been trusting Him with everything and as sad as it was for me to admit to myself I couldn’t remember the last time I had tithed (getting brutally honest here y'all). How the heck can I sit here and pray and ask the Lord to help me overcome things in my path, when I am not even honoring Him in the area that I am struggling with? It’s to even like I had intentionally not been honoring Him with my finances…I just was so blinded by my own selfishness and worries that I didn’t even stop and truly let go and give EVERYTHING to God.

So, as my daily process continues I hope that maybe, just maybe somebody else can relate. And if not, oh well. I am still thankful for the hard lessons (most of the time) and slowly peeling back myself to reveal more of Jesus.

- Rach

Also....Totally laughing to myself that my last post THREE years ago was on trust... Clearly this is a reoccurring theme in my life... Maybe someday I will fully grasp it, but until then at least I am headed in the right direction...finally!  :)

Letting Go

Well, it's been quite some time since I decided to sit down and write something, but I had a few minutes and decided I would get back at it. The last few months of my life have been a roller coaster of events and I have been reminded time and time again of one thing in particular and I just wanted to share it with you all. 

Trust........Although I repeatedly say that I really and truly trust God with every aspect of my life, I've had to step back a few times lately and ask myself if I really really do trust Him...with EVERYTHING. Sure, it sounds great on paper and even coming out of our mouths to say, "oh yes, I just really love God and trust Him and His plan for my life." But, I think we sometimes forget that trusting Him wholly means trusting Him even when things get rough and don't go how we want them to or how we envisioned them.

Now believe me, this is something I'm literally having to convince myself of every single day, as horrible as that sounds. I tend to say that I'm trusting Him, but yet at the same time I try to control certain aspects of the situation. Uh, hello. That's not trust, that's not fully surrendering and that sure as heck is not what it looks like to give it ALL to Him. 

James 1:2-4 talks about how in our life we will face trials and difficult things, but that these trials are meant to strengthen our faith and ultimately our trust in God. It doesn't say that life will always be easy and fun, but it prepares us for the reality of what life is going to hold. We have a daily choice of whether or not we are going to let God define how our lives are lived or if we are going to let our own pride and egos take over. 

I know I'm not the only person who struggles with this, but that doesn't give me an excuse to continue on in it. I got to a point a couple of months ago, where I was so disgusted with the level of mediocrity in which I was living and my overall lack of trust and I desperately wanted something more...something deeply rooted in a relationship with God and fully trusting Him. I will say that in the last few weeks I have felt a different level of freedom in my life and I know that it is because I am giving God the reins more and more and actively seeking Him and His word daily. 

So, let go and trust that no matter what your circumstances are He is and ALWAYS will be in control and letting Him have full reign over your life is the most incredible decision you will ever make, no matter how hard or easy that it may be! 

- Letting go of myself 

In Christ Alone

In Christ Alone… that is what everything in our life is supposed to be centered on, right? Well, I’m here to share a little bit about what has been going on in my life lately, in hopes that maybe someone will be able to relate to it. 

I am not afraid to admit that I am not the best at handling tough circumstances and situations. As a matter of fact I SUCK at it. I may have not been able to admit that in the past, but today I am looking at it with a different perspective. 

Since I got back from the Dominican, I have struggled…A lot. I have struggled to figure out what my purpose is and what God’s will is for me. I really felt led to continue doing something in ministry, so that is what I pursued. When the opportunity that I thought I was going to get didn’t happen, I let it affect my attitude and the feelings of not being good enough and not being able to get what I want were brought back up from my past and shoved in my face. Although I knew it was a lie, I believed it and in return decided that maybe I wasn’t supposed to pursue ministry after all. 

Thinking about this today, I realize how dumb it was to let one thing determine what God’s will for me wasn’t supposed to be. How can I take ONE opportunity of being shot down as a sign that my heart to pursue ministry and what God has for me wasn’t what I was supposed to do? I knew that I had been following close after God and knew without a doubt that this is what He revealed to me. Yet, I am so dang prideful and the fact that I didn’t get exactly what I wanted ticked me off. I didn’t stop to think that maybe it meant God has something better for me in particular.. No, I automatically went in to pity mode and shot down any other potential ministry opportunity, because my dumb pride was telling me not to do something that may end up disappointing me again. 

The next  month consisted of me pretty much being a brat, to put it in blunt terms. The joy and happiness that I had felt such a short time before was no longer there and I know it was because I just quit caring about anything other than myself and I was not centering things around God. If any of you were wondering, this is NOT a fun way to live. I just didn’t care enough to do anything about it. I wasn’t doing anything “wrong” but I wasn’t chasing after God daily and seeking Him for what I should do. Let me also add that since I started this bratty little attitude I had hardly slept and when I did finally sleep I was restless. I also had a small series of crisis and frustration occur in my life, that did not help my current state of mind and only made things worse. Of course it never registered to me that maybe all of this had something to do with each other and the fact that I kept putting off what I knew was right.

I had a meeting yesterday afternoon and as I sat in the waiting room, Kristian Stanfill’s version of “In Christ Alone,” came on the radio. I have heard this particular song and version a million times and it is one of my absolute favorites. It had been a few weeks since I had heard it though and as I sat there I felt like it was almost screaming at me to get the message of what it was saying. “In Christ alone my hope is found, He is my light, my strength, my song. This cornerstone, this solid ground, firm through the fiercest drought and storm.” I knew I had been in a serious drought and I had done pretty much everything except rely on and trust God, to be my hope and strength. 

As I lay in bed last night, I again struggled to fall asleep. I got so incredibly frustrated and I asked God to please just let me finally get some rest, because I was about to go crazy. Another hour passed and still nothing. I was getting incredibly frustrated and decided to open up my bible. Our college pastor had read something from Colossians 1, the night before, but when I opened to where my bible was bookmarked it flipped back a page to Phillippians 4. I began to read and this is what I read, starting in verse 11 and ending in verse 14, 

“Not that I speak from want, for I have learned to be content in whatever circumstances I am. I know how to get along with humble means, and I also know how to live in prosperity; in any and every circumstance I have learned the secret of being filled and going hungry, both of having abundance and suffering need. I can do ALL things through Christ who strengthens me.” 

Paul wrote this from prison….yes, prison! Gah. For someone who can tend to act like my circumstances and where I am is just so terrible, this was like a slap in the face. Paul was writing from prison and wanted the people of Phillippi to know that he had found the secret to being content in any and every circumstance that was thrown his way and you know where he said that contentment is found?! In Christ! True contentment is found only in Christ and in Christ alone! Not in a job, a place, a friendship, a guy or any other worldly thing. Nope, it is ONLY found in Christ. I grew up knowing this and knowing that this was true, but I had temporarily let myself forget it and just not care. I flipped on “In Christ Alone” and then read these verses over and over. For the first time in weeks I finally felt peace and not a false sense of peace and happiness, but the kind that only comes from God. 

I woke up this morning having had a 100% restful night of sleep and felt more free than I have in weeks. I was not guaranteed today and I am thankful to have another opportunity to redirect my focus back to God and work on pursuing Him, rather than temporary and pointless things. 

So, I don’t know if any of the rest of you struggle with being content with where you are or what difficult things you might feel like you are going through, but there is hope and there will ALWAYS be hope, in Christ!

Much love, 
Rachel =]

The Change

Hello all. Although I have been absent since my return to the US, I have not forgotten about you all.

It has been brought to my attention more and more over the last few weeks that we live in a very twisted and messed up culture. My pastor, Louie Giglio, said something this week and it seriously has made me think a lot. It went like this, "Jesus, change me..because I desperately need it..and the world DESPERATELY needs you." Seems simple right? Perhaps it is because I radically changed parts of my life and am now able to see how messed up and damaging some of my past decisions were, but to see people in this world continually make similar mistakes truly saddens me and makes me see how much the world really does need God. 

My dad refers to it as the decade of discovery. The time where you try everything you can to figure out who you are, what makes you unique and what gives you true identity. Although I've heard him say it a million times, he is right. Everyone at this age just wants to figure out their place and where they fit, even if it means making stupid decisions to get there. I feel like so many people in this generation have completely lost sight of the fact that God is THE single most important thing in the world though and that they really do NEED Him. I realize that I used to be no better, but I just wish people would see how much they are damaging their lives and futures. I see far too many drunken Instagram pictures, vulgar twitter posts and questionable things on Facebook nowadays and it really does make me sad. Living in the world and participating in its "fun," is not something that I miss. Over the last year and a half, I have experienced what it is like to give God control of my life and let Him change me, from the inside out and I wish that others could experience the same thing. 

So many people these days think it's okay to cuss, drink and sleep around with whomever they want and that it won't ever come back to hurt or haunt them. I used to be there and know how hard it is to get through these years without falling in to temptation and going along with what everyone else deems as acceptable. The saddest thing about all of this is that they are very few people in my generation who are brave enough to stand up for their faith and fight to put an end to all of this. The majority just sits back and watches it happen. Why? Most likely because they are too afraid that they will be rejected by the people that they don't even really like, but work sooo hard to earn approval from. Again, I've been there. It's not worth it. The only approval in this world that you need is from God and I long for people to understand that. 

In 1 John 2:15, it says, "do not to love the world or the things of this world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him." Do you get that? You can't love both. You can't love to get drunk or hop on twitter and explicitly share your emotions and then turn right around and like a perfect Christian. It doesn't work that way. A lot of people think being a Christian mean's that it gives them an automatic pass to get away with sin. That's not the case. We all desperately need the grace we don't deserve from God and none of us are above it. 

I wish I could say that I have figured everything out and have it all together, but I don't. Which is why Louie's statement made such an impact on me this week. It is my utmost prayer that God would continually change me, so that I might influence and point even just one person to Him. I am nothing without God and can't imagine where I would be today, if it weren't for His relentless love and grace towards me. 

So, I challenge you to let that be your prayer as well. Let God change and mold you in to the person that HE wants you to be. Quit wasting your time with empty and vain things. We are called to glorify God with our lives and actions, so don't be afraid. You never know who is watching and who's life you could potentially influence to change, for the glory of God. 

Love always, 

- Rachel 

The G word

Goodbye.....in certain circumstances this can be one of the hardest things to say. Today I was faced with the hardest goodbye that I've had in my life, thus far. Never in a million years did I think that it was possible for a group of children to take over such a huge place in my heart...but it happened. In seven short weeks these kids have been the highlight of every week for me. I anticipated seeing their smiling faces every day that I was there and in return they never failed to put a smile on my face. 

La Yaguita was by far the poorest area that I spent any time in, but I was happier there than any other place. The pure joy of the kids and the kindness from Pastor Ramon, his wife and the teachers was just so overwhelming and it seriously gave me such a huge perspective of my "rich" life back home. I felt so selfish so many times while I was there and every single time it was like God saying "see, if those who have less than you can trust me, why can't you?" Talk about a kick in the stomach. 

I'm so far from having everything in my life figured out, but knowing that God has it all under control and really does have the PERFECT plan makes it so much easier. This seems like an easy concept to grasp, but it takes a little longer for some of us and I thank God for allowing me to experience the things that I have, which have opened up my eyes so much more! 

There were so many things in this city I just wanted to "fix."  Whether it was a little kid who was running down the street with no clothes, an old woman working herself like crazy to provide food for the grandchildren she had inherited or soooo many other things that would break the heart of almost anyone who witnessed it. I just wanted to fix all of it. Obviously this isn't logical, but it just frustrated me even more that so many of us waste our money on absolutely pointless things, when we could be helping others who NEED the little things that are so convenient to us. 

I became really good friends with one of the girls at school and was talking to her at lunch today. I asked her if she needed anything before I left. She said no. I knew that was a lie, so I asked her again. She told me she needed a new pair of jeans because most of hers were ripping (which I knew to be true) and she didn't have any good ones. I also asked if any of the kids really needed anything. She told me that Orlin's shoes were falling apart and that his mother bought his brother new shoes but would not buy him any. This infuriated me. I understand not everyone here has access to multiple pairs of shoes, but why would she buy his brother extra shoes, and leave Orlin with none?... I sat very frustrated for a few minutes before I handed my friend a few dollars and asked her to specifically use it for her jeans and Orlin's shoes. She looked at me kinda stunned for a minute. I could tell she wanted to cry, but she slapped my arm and told me I was crazy and that I couldn't do that. I ran out of the room before she could say anything else about it. Although this seemed like such a small thing to me, it was soooo far from small to her and that's what I wish people could see. Even the smallest bit means the absolute world to them. 

My afternoon ended with the class singing me a song and giving a big card, in which they had all signed and written notes to me. I admit that I cried and I didn't care. I only hope that some day they can understand the huge impact that they've had on my life. I will never forget them and I will cherish each moment that I had with them! 

Much love,

Rachel :)

Blogging is not my strength..

Hello everyone! First off, I can't believe it's already November 10th... Where did the year go?! I also can't believe that I only have one week left in this amazing country with all of these awesome people. These experiences will go on with me for the rest of my life and I will never forget these people. They have had a greater impact on my life than they will ever understand. 

Anyway, I'm a week out from heading home and I can't believe it's almost over. My time here has gone by so fast and although I'll be thrilled to see my family, I can guarantee that saying goodbye to all of my new friends next Sunday, will be very tearful. The thought of saying goodbye to all of my sweet children in La Yaguita is by far the worst though. Seeing their smiling faces is the #1 highlight of my week and leaving them is going to be a major struggle. So, prayers for a productive and awesome day Wednesday would be much appreciated. 

So much has happened the last couple of weeks and I don't know how to even get it all out. So. Here are a couple of high points!

To say the devil wants to knock me down would probably be a pretty fair thing to say. I started feeling sick two weeks ago, but just figured it was nothing. A couple of days went on and I felt worse and worse. I finally went to the doc and they told me I just had a bacterial infection in my intestines and gave me some medicine for it. 5 days later I felt even worse, so we went to another doc where I found out I have a parasite in my intestines that is causing all of this. Fun right? Not exactly. Thankfully it is nothing compared to what it could be and hopefully it will be gone soon. On top of that I have come down with a massive head cold. So, I think sickness is his choice way to try and get to me. Perhaps it's because I'm usually known for being an absolute wimp when it comes to sickness or any sort of pain. I appreciate his valiant effort at trying to keep me down, but so far it hasn't worked and I'm thankful nonetheless. 

A medical group from Florida came to La Yaguita and I got a chance to spend the day with them, which was a blast! It was kind of nice to have some fellow English speaking people around for a day, ha! They did a wonderful job and I'm so thankful that they were able to help out so many of the kids and their families, that I've grown to love. 

I've managed to form a pretty good relationship with the sister of one of the girls at church. She is not a Christian and had never come to the church before, ever! She was very slow to warm up to me, but we've become pretty good friends since then and I've taken every opportunity that I can to talk to her. She has asked questions about the church and different things and I'm always more than happy to talk to her about it. I casually told her she should come sometime and she said she would think about it and I left it at that for the time being. The last thing I wanted to do was push her the opposite direction and I knew there'd be more opportunity for conversations like this. For two more weeks she said nothing about it and never came to the church. I was over at their house last night, before church and told her she should come to the morning services today. She asked me what time they started and said she would probably be there. Her sister was doubtful that she would actually come and after years of trying to witness to her older sister I could understand why she didn't have very much hope. It was two minutes before church this morning and she had still not showed up, so I went and sat down. No sooner had I done so than I felt a tap on my shoulder and there she was. I must admit I was slightly shocked. She had never stepped foot in the church, for all the years that her sister had been attending. Her sister called to me from across the room and when I reached her she thanked me. I asked her what for and she told meat if it wasn't for the fact that I had kept talking to her sister about in my time here she wouldn't have come. I take none of the credit. If I had anything to do with it, it was totally God through me. Although she still has a LONG way to go, I can't but be hopeful that maybe even that small seed will light something in her heart and that she will realize how important a relationship with God is. I must say that seeing her there was definitely one of the highlights of my trip though!

This trip has taught me so much about myself and I realize so many things I wish I would've done differently in my past, but I thank God for His overwhelming grace. Lord knows I don't deserve any of it and I'm blessed to be here serving Him for these few weeks! 

Unfortunately my NyQuil pills have kicked in and my pillow is loudly calling my name. Can't wait to see all of you people back home sooooo soon! I love getting messages from you all and your prayers have meant more to me than words can explain!

- Rachel xoxo

Today's lesson is...TRUST

Hello again everyone! 

We had a group from The Cross, here last week and it was almost impossible to find time to sleep, much less write a blog post haha! It was so awesome to have some familiar faces here though and I'm so thankful for the week that we were able to have.  Cathy Scott and Lisa Slade, y'all were a HUGE blessing to me and I thank God sooo much, for both of you! 

Anyway, I can't believe that I only have three weeks left here. I must admit I have become seriously attached to the people here and if you see me the week after I get home I might be a slight wreck ;) 

Never in a million years did I think that I could fall in love with somewhere other than home as much as I have with this country and it's beautiful people. I have seen things that will forever change my life and my perspective and I can't thank God enough for that. I can only hope that I never forget the things I'm learning and that I will hold on to them for the rest of my life. 

For those of you who are wondering, Orlin is fine and I am pretty sure he knows I'm very partial to him and he totally takes advantage of it! La Yaguita has officially taken over a very special place in my heart and I dread the day that I have to say goodbye to my sweet friend, Karina and all of those awesome children. But for now I will enjoy every moment that I have with them! 

I was listening to Hillsong United's song "Oceans," this morning and thought back to a moment that occurred this summer. I had gone to visit a friend at Liberty University and there was one morning where I was really struggling through some stuff, so I stuck in my headphones and ran to the baseball field, so I could sit and pray. If any of you know me very well, you know that the baseball field was obviously the only logical place that I could go to clear my head..lol

Anyway, I was sitting in the empty stands looking out at the mountains when "Oceans," came across on my playlist. There is a line in the song that says, "take me deeper than my feet could ever wander..where my trust is without borders, in the presence of my Savior." I caught myself singing along, just out of habit and I stopped myself.... We often sing songs like this just out of habit, because they are catchy and have a good tune, but do we REALLY pay attention to what the lyrics are saying? I called my mom and asked her "do I really mean that? Do I really want God to take me where my trust is without borders?!" If you think about it, it's a pretty heavy thing to be singing. I decided in that moment that I really did want to go far beyond what was normal and comfortable for me and that I was tired of living complacent and stale, in certain areas of my life. I had just decided the week before that I would be coming here to the DR, but I had no idea what things would impact my life once I got here. I think God knew he had to get me to that point of wanting to trust beyond my borders before I ever got here and hearing that song again this morning totally floored me, because God has seriously pushed me soooo far beyond my borders! I never could have imagined what that moment was preparing me for, but God has everything so perfectly orchestrated and it seriously blows my mind. 

So many things have happened in the last year to six months and although it doesn't always make sense at the time, I can now see things that God was preparing me for things that were going to happen later on and I can't help but be in awe of Him. If you had told me two years ago that I would be spending seven weeks in a different country, doing missions...I probably would've laughed at you. I can't even lie.. To see where I am now and everything that God is doing is so amazing and I can't wait to see what happens even after I go back to the US. 

I also have a newfound appreciation for both of my parents. This may sound ridiculous, but to a certain extent I don't think I ever realized how truly blessed I have always been to have two parents that have always pointed me towards God and no matter how difficult I may have been at times they NEVER loved me any less and a big part of who I am and why I am where I am is because of them. 

Well, that's all for now! I hope you all have a blessed day! 

- Rachel xoxo